For Kaspar: the ninth wave

 In The Handmaiden’s Tale, Margaret Attwood wrote of such people:

“We were the people who were not in the papers.

We lived in the blank white spaces at the edges of print…

We lived in gaps between the stories.”

I rose and rose through the skies and reached the outer reaches of the earth. Nothing could bring me down.....

The thing with Schizophrenia is that sometimes you will get these sort of manic phases where everything seems to revolve around you. My delusions feed into this since today it seems like everything has happened for a reason. Every little thing on my way today was put there by the gods, or the suits behind the scenery, and I know it seems weird but that's what I feel like. I know it's not true and I dont believe in fate but today it certainly seems like the entire world revolves around me and only me.

When I get like this I go so high that I loose touch with earth. I go farther than my life support can handle and that's when the fall kicks in.

 

A seemingly endless fall triggered by the fact that your brain is so full of signals to interpret that it just shuts down. The entire overjoyed state of mind shifts and turns into depression and sends you falling faster than anyone can catch you. I know because I've been here before. I've gone through this countless times already. Being so manic and happy thinking that everything is put in your way for a reason. Spending tons of cash on pointless things because you get a wicked impulse in your brain that tells you that you have to have this now and that it won't be there next month when you can actually afford it.

 

People with schizophrenia often act on impulse a lot and I am very guilty of that. It makes me fun to be around as I'll get weird ideas in the middle of the night and act on them, but it's dangerous for me as it's not just like an idea that pops up into my mind. It's a need or a craving for something that I can't ignore.

 

For instance. When I've gone to bed and cant sleep all of a sudden I will get this idea that I need food. I'm not really hungry or anything I just want to eat. So instead of ignoring that and getting a good nights sleep I get out of bed and cook not because I want to but because I have to.

 

Otherwise bad stuff will happen.

I've been to many record stores and bought a ton of vinyls that I couldnt afford simply because my brain was telling me that I need to get theese things otherwise something will happen.

Sourced from theendlessfall: a story


The author of this blog has not written since July 2012.  In his last post, Kaspar wrote: the mortality rate for people with schizophrenia is frightening...up to 13% successfully kill themselves while a staggering 60% of all males suffering have attempted suicide one time or more.

I think in total I've had about 10 suicide attempts.....1 or 2 of which were more serious than just attempting.


I feel in my heart that this articulate young man has......... left the building.